Alcohol Tobacco Raygun?

by Muleskinner Jones

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released June 25, 2007

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Muleskinner Jones Bath, UK

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Track Name: Mr. Jones' Last Song
Well I hadn't been paid for nine months
I'd busted my ass, I'd sweated blood
Now everything I loved was up for sale
And I was scared of opening the mail

Then a voice said...
Settle down son, stop telling tales
It's time to admit to everybody that you've failed
And I know life sucks
And I know it's kinda shit
But you won't move on if you don't know when to quit
Track Name: Death In Dixie
There was bleeding on the bayou
There was death in Dixieland
There were former friends, neighbours, colleagues and kin
All dying at each others hands
And the litttle birdies and bunnies were choking
On the stench made by the dead
And the bluegrass hills of Kentucky
Were stained red
Yeah there was blood on the bayou
And they were dead in Dixie

They were butchered on the Blueridge
They were slaughtered in the South
And the bodies were piling up faster
Than the medics could cart the buggers out
They'd never used these kind of weapons
Or fought this kind of war
So over dinner the officers stroked their chins
And wondered why this never happened before

Yeah there was blood on the bayou
And they were dead in Dixie

And many women lost their husbands
And many mothers lost their sons
And many children lost their fathers
Still the sound of the weeping wouldn't drown out the guns
And the fields that had been baked hard as asphalt
Were now a bloody sludge
As the armies of Ulysses and Robert E Lee
Butchered each other in the hot Southern sun

Yeah there was blood on the bayou
And they were dead in Dixie
Track Name: Drinking To get Drunk
I'm throwing up in a bathroom off the A363
And there's a man who wants to kill me outside the door
And the woman waiting tables thinks she's going home with me
But I can barely drag my fat arse off the floor
And the band is playing a love song that I hate
But they're all so bloody awful it sounds great

And I can't believe the depths to which
This life of mine has sunk
But I'm not drinking to forget you
I'm just drinking to get drunk

Well it's five years since we parted
And seven since we met
And I guess it seems my life is quite a mess
But I ain't broken-hearted
Though my memory needs refreshed
Did you leave 'cuz of the drinking
Or am I drinking 'cuz you left?

But I'm okay, I got my friends around me
Jim Beam and Johnnie Walker
Well hell, they're close as family

And I can't believe the depths to which
This life of mine has sunk
But I'm not drinking to forget you
I'm just drinking to get drunk

So let's drink to your health
I'll never find someone else
While I'm this damn soused
See the only birds with whom I converse
Are a Wild Turkey and The Famous Grouse

So I'm sleeping it off in a bathroom off the A363
And there's a pissed-up Brummie bastard outside the door
And the woman waiting tables packed off home at half-past-three
And says she never weants to see me anymore

And the band has started playing our favourite song
At least that's what I think it is
But I'm so far gone that I'm probably wrong

And I can't believe the depths to which
This life of mine has sunk
But I'm not drinking to forget you
I'm just drinking to get drunk

And our son thinks I'm a loser
And out friends think I'm a chump
But I'm not drinking to forget you
I'm just drinking to get drunk
Track Name: Mr. Jones vs Sun City
Well I juiced up the caddie
And I stole me some money
Waved bye-bye to my baby
And I'm ready to roll
Gonna head for Sun City
'Cuz the girls there are pretty
Just don't tell my Daisy
That that's the reason I've gone
'Cuz if she gets to hear
She'll be chewing my ear
'Til the cows come home

Gonna stop by Tom Bailey's
Heard he called me a fairy
I'll be packing my Ouzi
And man that sucker's gonna bleed
Got a case load of whisky
'Cuz I'm bound to get thirsty
And in case I get hungry
I got me some speed.

See a wide open road
And a burrito to go
Is all this bad boy needs

I'll sleep through the day
I'll stay up all night
I'm sure that I'll have
The time of my life
The streets paved with gold
The sun way up high
Little birdies go tweet tweet tweet
In the sky

I'll get my wicked way with
All them fine looking ladies
I'll be driving 'em crazy
They'll be under my spell
Gonna head for Sun City
'Cuz it sounds so darn sexy
Gonna take on Sun City
Gonna raise me some hell
Track Name: Mr. Jones Skips Town
I'm leaving this town
The bars have all shut since the factory closed down
I'm leaving this dump
Been nothing to do since the eighties slump
I'm leaving this hole
It ain't got a heart and it ain't got a soul
And you wanna know why I don't stick around?
Well these are the reasons that I'm leaving this town...

-RANT-

You'll be seeing Mr. Jones on 'Top Of The Pops'
The rest of you losers can stay here and rot
I'll get me a new coat made of rattlesnake hide
And a sassy blonde and a fancy new ride
You'll see my face in the papers and on the TV
John, Paul, George and Ringo got nothing on me

And you wanna know why I don't stick around?
Well those are the reasons that I'm leaving this town...
Track Name: Mr. Jones Gets Blissed
As the evening shadows grew
And the treetops were turning blue
I was out of my mind on good red wine
And the smell of the pines and you
It looked like we had nothing
It felt like we had it all
I was your Humphrey Bogart
You were my Lauren Bacall
Yeah that was true bliss
I wish I could bottle this
Then I would take a swig
Whenever I was feeling down

Pancakes and orange juice
Real maple syrup too
After our feast we headed out east
Through the mist and the morning dew
From being so cold up in the mountains
That we slept in our winter clothes
To being a hundred degrees in the valley
And seeing the deserts all covered in snow

Yeah that was true bliss
I wish I could bottle this
Then I would take a swig
Whenever I was feeling down

Yeah if I could put a cap on that stuff
I'd sell it for millions and we could stop sleeping rough
But 'til I find something to keep it in
We'll have to stay blissed up on Thunderbird and cheap gin

And I felt like a movie star
When I almost rolled the car
Covered in dust, engine oil and rust
Laughing 'God knows where we are'
And pulling into Bakersfield
I took out two of the wheels
Trying to turn on a busy road
When all the Basque restaurants
And Buck Owen's motel
And everything but Denny's was closed

Yeah that was true bliss
I wish I could bottle this
Then I would take a swig
Whenever I was feeling down
Track Name: Alcohol Tobacco Raygun?
Chilling out at Roswell in the midday sun
Getting high on alcohol, tobacco and raygun
He's got a big-ole flying saucer instead of a car
But he's too much of a shortarse to see over the bar
RAYGUN!!! RAYGUN!!!

And the women go crazy for his big black eyes
And his sexy grey ass, and his telepathic hive-mind
And the Nordics and the Reptiles will think 'it's so neat yeah'
When he gets back to Cassiopea with a saucerful of reefer

RAYGUN!!! RAYGUN!!!

Getting high on alcohol, tobacco and raygun
Track Name: Blood & Muskets (At Wounded Knee)
The first time I saw you it was raining
It was coming down so hard that I could barely bloody see
We couldn't keep the company's spirits up
It was plain that many men were on the verge of mutiny
But you covered us in feathers
And skins to keep us warm
And sheletered us in teepees from the storm
And we buried your hearts at Wounded Knee
Where the white man's muskets claimed a strange victory
The ground where you stand is sacred land
From the plains of the Dakotas to the cool Rio Grande

And the next time I saw you you were weeping
A broken heart inside a broken man
Struggling to raise your children up
Whilst exiled in a harsh and barren land
'Cuz we took your home for our home
And your women for our wives
And we slaughtered all the buffalo for their hides

And we buried your hearts at Wounded Knee
And called it our manifest destiny
The ground where you stand is sacred land
From the plains of the Dakotas to the cool Rio Grande

And the third time I saw you you were fighting
You'd rather lose your life than lose your precious land
Bravely you held your head up
As your brothers fell about you in the sand
And you looked so grand and noble
As you stood your ground in vain
Until I put a bullet in your brain

And we buried your hearts at Wounded Knee
In the name of progress and Christianity
The ground where you stand is sacred land
From the plains of the Dakotas to the cool Rio Grande

Yeah the ground where we stand is sacred land
And we all got blood of one form or another on our hands
Track Name: Satan Is My Bitch
I got temptation licked
Satan is my bitch
The Royal Prince of darkness
Can go kiss this crucifix
Since Jesus saved my soul
Satan is my hoe
I gave Old Nick the finger
And I told him where to go
'Cuz with his horns and his pointy-little pitchfork
He thinks he's so damn slick
But I won't be suckered by his smooth talk
And I won't be fooled by his stupid tricks
Satan, you can kiss my Christian ass you jumped-up imp.

According to The Word
His lust for power's burned
Since God kicked him outta heaven
For being a whingeing little turd
Now when judgment comes to pass
God'll kick his ass
He'll writhe in pain and torment
While the righteous point and laugh

'Cuz with his horns and his pointy-little pitchfork
He thinks he's so damn slick
But I won't be suckered by his smooth talk
And I won't be fooled by his stupid tricks
Satan is my bitch
Track Name: Her Desert Yard
How hard she worked her desert yard
Until her fingers cracked and bled
'Til her machines gave up the ghost
And all the other settlers fled
For milder climes
And pleasures fine
And better times

How hard she'd work her desert yard
'Til dust clogged every window pane
And piled high upon the sills
Where memories faded in their frames
Familiar faces young and old
Brought some small comfort to her soul
Though she'd forgotten every name

All day she'd work here desert yard
All through the night she'd pray for rain
Until her throat was dry and parched
Until her voice cracked up in pain
But the waters never came
No the waters never came
No the waters never came

No waters came
No rains poured down
To slake the desert's ugly thirst
And turn this barren patch of dirt
Into a thing from which new life would spring
Like manna from the ground

How hard she worked her desert yard
Her skin it blistered and it burned
And shrunk around her skeleton
As her jet-black hair was turned
As white as bone
Bleached by the sun
Yet still she toiled there all alone

How hard she'd work her desert yard
'Til buzzards circled overhead
Until her muscles withered down
Until her livestock were all dead
Their corpses strewn across the plains
No single living thing remained

How hard she'd work her desert yard
Until the wells at last ran dry
Until the tools dropped from her arms
And in the sand she lay to die
Then all the years she'd toiled in vain
And all the tears and all the pain
Were washed asunder by the rain
As at last the waters came

The waters came
The rains poured down
To slake the desert's ugly thirst
And turn this little scrap of dirt
Into a thing from which new life would spring
Like manna from the ground
Track Name: Men With Knives
Dear Mother and Father
What do folks say back home?
Are we heroes or suckers?
'Cuz I'm damned if I know.
They could have killed our Billy quick
Instead they cut him in two
Now they've saved them a bullet
And your son's vulture food.

And whenever I start to feel sad and alone
I recall how the rubble crushed her frail bones
And I swear that I'll kill
Every Arab that I can
In these bloody-brown hills
Of Afghanistan

So we'll fight for the freedom
Of civilised men
Round up the towel-heads
And do 'em all in
And all that the dirty wee buggers can do
Is claim that they're fighting
For their freedom too.

So I just ate their rations
And watched as they bled
Thinking killing's not much
But it's all I got left
Since my heart has been broken
And it never shall heal
For it's crushed beneath mountains
Of concrete and steel.

So tell me brave captain
Just who is this man
That we're hunting out here
In the mud, blood and sand?
We're told he's a killer
The devil's own son
But these people portray him
Like Christ with a gun

And I've seen all the pain that one life can allow
I've grieved and I've slain but I can't work out how
That with all of our missiles, computers and spies
We got out ass kicked
By a few men with knives

Yes mother I'm scared and I don't want to die
Waging a third world war
On a few men with knives
Track Name: Blood & Muskets (Reprise)
Then I saw you again and you were drinking
Huddled in some doorway all alone
You couldn't keep the monthly payments up
So they shut you in some shitty trailer home
But once you all were warriors
Once you made a stand
Once you were the masters of this land

Wrap this blanket
Round your babby's feet
Soon you'll all be dead and gone

Drink this whisky
Don't it taste so sweet?
Soon you'll all be dead and gone
Track Name: Between God & The Bottle
He drove you for miles in a
Brand new cadillac
Doped up on beer
And the drugs for your back
The whole world smiled
When you started to sing
Ain't it strange how much joy
All that pain could bring?

But his heart sunk
As the cops pulled him over
He'd been driving so fast
And you were so very far from sober
You'd better open the trunk
Was what the fat cop said
The skinny fella's not drunk
The skinny fella's dead.

Between God and the bottle
Lies a lonely world of pain
All those barbiturates and the Bible
Finally drove your heart insane
As if with each song you gave us
You were cutting short your life
Torn between God and the bottle
Your women and your wife.

Each line that you wrote
Bared a part of your soul
They'd call it 'Country And Western'
But your heart was pure Rock And Roll
And God doesn't mind that the angels
Ditched the harps for a pedal steel
'Cuz he like his praises in heaven
Sung with a country feel

-LETTER FROM FRED ROSE TO HANK WILLIAMS-

Between God and the bottle
Lies a lonely world of pain
All those barbiturates and the Bible
Finally drove your heart insane
As if with each song you gave us
You were cutting short your life
Torn between God and the bottle
Your women and your wife.

As if with each song you gave us
You were cutting short your life
I just pray, somehow, in all that darkness
You really saw the light.